Happy New Year

A year has almost gone now. My first thought is – already? Then – of course! So many things have happened the last 12 months, so actually I wonder only a year has passed…

 – I met you… It’s impossible to say exactly what happened and in which sequence! One thing is for sure…well in fact more things are for sure… -Anyway, my world got a new dimension…

The months with you… and the following without you… sometimes like a roller coaster! But I really feel so grateful and lucky. Sometimes I don’t understand how my heart can store so much beauty… maybe our hearts grows relatively, the more sorrows and pain, the more beauty and love, the bigger heart…?Do you think there is someone above, making sure that there is a balance between good and evil on our path?

New Years Eve… with my dear friend and our families by the sea… And with you on my mind… bringing you a toast… Talking to the moon…being so grateful for everything you brought into my life…

 -And I do think that somebody above blessed me with your company… 

I have this weird feeling of rejecting something very precious… and I have - you… Combined  with the feeling of being in another life than meant for me, another life than suitable for me… The thought of deserving more…But as I said over and over, it takes time… And after all these years – a couple more years is worth it all…

I believe I’ll be blessed again… And when time is right, I’ll receive it with all my heart…

Let our movie play

I’m so sorry… I can tell by your silence that you are confused. And I understand. Guess I am a freak! It’s not about you, but about me… Please give me some time…I don’t expect you to understand it, but please accept it…

Close your eyes

Smile at me

Listen to your favorite music

Have your favorite drink

Let our movie play

A mysterious freak

So nice to hear from you. No, not nice! -Marvelous and wonderful. I really missed your words. I still do… And I long to see you… talk to you face to face… watch the light in your deep brown eyes…

So many things on my mind and I hate not to tell you everything… I hate sounding like a mysterious freak!

“Just when you think it can't get any worse, it can. And just when you think it can't get any better, it can.” ― Nicholas Sparks

“You cannot find peace by avoiding life.”
― Virginia Woolf

Life's hard. It's even harder when you're stupid.”
― John Wayne

The first snow

The first snow has fallen. Not slow, peacefully and romantic, but a very beautiful sight anyway! And the moment I enter my work, the traffic and chaos in the streets are forgotten! From my desk I have a stunning view through the large windows; big trees with  huge (now white) tops, a wonderful garden and an elder home. Very calming – both in summertime and now in winter.

Two out of five Christmas presents are bought. So far so good! The budget is already exceeded (same procedure as last year, and the year before, and the year before that…!) who mentioned anything about financial crisis? 

Still don’t know anything about Christmas eve, but New years eve is planed! We are going on a small vacation with some dear friends, in their holiday cottage near the sea. It’s going to be great. I really cherish our friendship - and the kids will have fun too.

Fortunately, we are also going to visit my siblings too. It’s been a long time since we last were together, and I really miss them. We are so alike and yet so different. We have our separately lives and families and nevertheless we are tightly connected.

Merry Christmas everyone

Hallelujah

A sick child, a hospitalization, high fever, stomach pain and for a mother a great deal of worries. We are home again, nothing critically, only a virus! The fever has fallen and the appetite is slightly returning. No sleep nor fresh air – if I thought I was tired before, I was wrong, ‘cause now I am!!

24 days until Christmas. Nothing settled yet. Where to celebrate Christmas eve, what to eat or what to buy for the family! Nothing.

But. In all the misery a light came though! My job is secured one more year! If I wasn’t so tired I would put my arms over my head and scream Hallelujah! What a Christmas gift. I feel so lucky. This is really a great job for me. Sometimes busy sometimes quiet. Sometimes challenging sometimes routine. –Like my temper!

Hallelujah.

Never ending

Are you still somewhere out there? Do you think of me as much as I think of you? I wish I knew what’s going on in your life right now. Hope you are happy. I really really do.

And I hope our paths will cross again someday.

Thank you so much for the star you placed in my sky… beautiful, shining, inspiring and delightful…never ending

Someone like You

I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,"
Yeah.

Adele

Sono una sognatrice

I’m finding it so hard to focus at the moment. -Well, to focus on the right things at the right time! A mysterious time at work, some are really busy and struggling to keep up, and some are waiting for them to finish, before they can start their part of the job.

I’m in the last category! I’m waiting. I’m not quite sure for what, but I’m going to be busy too, they say! Off course, I have some “basic” work, costumers and phone calls, but not nearly enough to fill  a whole day.

So I’m wondering. Sure I’m wondering. And dreaming. Sono una sognatrice, remember?! Every time I have a moment, where my little brain not is occupied with something practical, I’m wondering and dreaming. What if… -and I love it. There are so many lovely things to dream about, and so many gorgeous persons on my mind and in my life – no wonder they are circulating constantly!!

Do you know the old song, “Get out of my dreams and into my car” by Billy Ocean? That’s what my dreams are about right now… - maybe I should tell you to remember “Love really hurts without you” first…

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The Man Who can't Be Moved

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move,
Got some words on cardboard got your picture in my hand,
Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am,
Some try to hand me money they don't understand,
I'm not, broke I'm just a broken hearted man,
I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do,
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you

'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving
I'm not moving
The Script

What's waiting in the horizon

54 hours of sun in November, average!

I feel like half of the day is missing in my life! I don’t have enough time, at work, at home, with the kids or with myself – alone! Not that I generally need to be alone, but you know, just to read a book, study Italian, watch a movie or listen to music. Without thinking of anything else! No commitments at all!

And my energy level is annoyingly  low! I can sleep 12 hours and still be tired, lazy and drained! Luckily, the kids are keeping me aware! They have so much in their lives and we all need that I’m a big part of it, so it forces me to be paying attention and follow their speed!

Time is really passing by so fast and I both hate and love it! Hate it, because the feeling of always being behind is killing me! I constantly aim to be in control… On the other hand I love the thought of getting older and the kids too. I really enjoy the different periods of their ages, but never the less, things will change when they get older. I will be able to do things in my life, which I really long for…

3 hours a week I still hold sacred! The Italian course. We are only 7 students, and it’s so amusing, relaxing, inspiring, learning and challenging. At the moment it’s the only thing I do for myself and for my own benefit. I need it. It makes me feel like an individual. Not a mother, a wife, an employee or a housekeeper! And our teacher is marvelous: Warm and tender, smiling, funny and very skilled. I love to hear and learn about Italy! Such a wonderful country, landscape, culture and population. When she shows photos from her home region and tells us about their customary I get a strong need of exploring!! Many years of vacation in the north of Italy have given me a bit of the adventure, but not nearly enough!

I know what’s waiting in the horizon…

The Rose

Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
An endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
And you its only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin'
That never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long,
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong,
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun's love
In the spring becomes the rose.

Bette Midler

I'm still dreaming

I miss you so much. Miss your words. You are so far away. I read your beautiful letters over and over again.

And I know. Even if you were here, we would still be miles apart. Time is not right.

But I keep dreaming. Maybe for always. No one knows. Got to take one step at a time.

One thing is for sure

                              I will always love you

Another thing is for sure

                             No one have ever touched me so deep

La tua Sognatrice

Bella - Bello

From The Muse of My Muse

I miss you

Swing spot
Captain my Captain
Answers and deeds in a landscape of ink
you want me paint.
Frame of mind
You want to make yours, rounds of hell of mine
While your verbs are looking for pieces of truth
On my hand palm o heart my heart
I'm keeping on sculpt
Steps to the starway of our osmosis
To take you
to the tips of my Paradise
Where interwined legs
Arm hair and hands likewise
Over cream of cloud and rain will be
And on your lips with tongues of fire I'll sing
And for you the flag will flung
And for you the bugle will trill
For you bouquets,wreaths, shores and ships
For you this arm beneath your head
Dreamer my dreamer my bed!
I do not answer you are right
My lips are pale and still
And I have no pulse nor will
But in the infinite ocean of your eyes
at the same horizon where the power
of your water depth meets my wonderful skies
There I will write my musical scores
There I will draw all the gold notes
There you will bright I guess
all the dark pauses of my soul o princess,
my princess!
And looking in the mirror you will see
more clear than I've ever done
my ship anchored safe and sound
my voyage closed and bound.
I won't bypass all your question marks
As he who runs for life like an athlete
I will burn every inch separates us
You'll be my finishing line
me, a sunbeam to warm your breast, once again.
O goodness my goodness!

Here without you

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face.
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same.
All the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreamin' of your face.

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind.
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time.
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight, it's only you and me.


3 Doors Down

For Now

The Italian course has started again. I’m so eager to learn, but it’s very difficult and I don’t have much time at the moment. The homework is killing me! Wonder if I’ll ever be able to speak and understand the language totally…? Actually I wondered whether I should swift to English instead and get more confident with it and expand my vocabulary…?

The kids are really keeping all my senses awake! The oldest with her wonderful humor and thoughtful wonderings. She’s smart! A nice thing to state in this world!! The little one with his martial art! He has begun sparring competing, and my nerves are torn! His first tournament a couple of weeks ago and he got bronze! No damages or broken bones – what a relief! He was marvelous. He has so much control of his body and I really think this can get him far, if he wishes. Well, I said the same thing last year about his football. He controlled the ball and was a brilliant player. But Taekwondo won his attention. And that’s good, at least for now. He needs a sport, where the results only are depending on himself and his own efforts!

Christmas is near. I question our economic situation, but it’s the same every year – and we always have a proper Christmas after all! Anyway, the situation is a bit different right now. Maybe I’m unemployed from 1. January. And we have a big celebration in 6 months. Confirmation. Family, friends, dress(es), lots of food and thousands of others costs! A big day and I want to make it her day… It’s a kind of a cloud hanging over us right now where we don’t have all the money settled…

From Friday we have vacation for one week. That’ll be nice. To get away, walk by the sea with the kids and the dog. Getting my mind blown!!

The challenge

Fall. The weather has changed. Not that we have had any summer this year, but anyway. Rain, storm and cloudy… Leaves are changing colours. Beautiful. I love the burned colours. Yellow, orange and brown…

It’s dark most of the day now. The speed has slowed down – everywhere. The charm of the season.

I’m wondering what’s happening on the other side of the moon… I miss the words, the thoughts, the sign of life… It’s so dear to me… Is it even possible to connect only by exchanging thoughts?

I got to have faith. I tell myself all the time. Faith in the future. But I have to live in the moment too. It can be a challenge… But what dosen’t kill you, makes you stronger – right?

To Dare

I know the sorrow

I know the pain

I know the feeling

Senseless insane

I feel Eruptions of rage

I feel Moments  in despair

I feel Verbal misery

Why don’t I dare

Are you there above

Watching me

Are you sad or glad

Of what you see

Do you see the life

Partly in me

Do you see the distressed

For me to be

Can you give me the strength

Can you give me nerve

Can you give me the warmth

I long to deserve

The little seed

Do you know the feeling? You are both happy and satisfied but deep inside unpleased and frustrated … excided jet anxious … curious though nervous … Your feelings are conflicting … Not all the time - well at least not on the surface … You live in deny.

But I know. I know the outcome. I know the feeling on the other side. Deep down I feel it. I need it, I long for it. It makes me going. Surviving. The feeling of my true identity. I have been hiding so many years. Denying. I have been playing along for so many years, that I sometimes wonder whether I am capable of anything else.

But I know. Deep down.

When time is right. Not now. I’ll use the meantime to growth. And when times get too tough, I hold on to the little seed – to the little light which keeps my spirit up.

Sono cose della vita

Very busy at work, I love it… Not two days are alike… I sure wish I can stay – on the other hand, who knows witch doors will open if I don’t get to stay….? Is it time for trying to teach? My old dream? I’m not convinced…

The children are at school, like if the vacation was years ago! Already tired of homework! Back in the old habit!! I struggle with youngest every single day. Why can’t he do something he like – as the adults?? If they don’t like their work, they search another job. Why must he sit down the whole day, making boring things??!! A lot of questions from a little guy, and no reasonable answers…

Now I look forward to my Italian-course, which begins in fourteen days… Look forward to spending a couple of hours on my own, and only for my own benefit!

…Sono cose della vita…

From the other side of the moon

I love your words.

Thank you so much.

You are the muse of my muse

You are my expectation
my faculty to indulge.
In your thoughts
in your braided words
as reeds of baskets
I surrender...
I get lost...
I am welcomed...
Now, for a moment, for ever...
You are my expectations
and with my desires of you,
of your hands,
your tongue,
your mouths
you live and multiply in my mind
while my volition desperately flap
against language's walls.
I know maybe wait is long
but the dream of you is not over
cause you are the one
who was to come
you are the one who was to paralyze my heart.
You are the world and the house
I have learned to live in.
You are my waiting
my absolute sentiment

Month of Fall

It’s September. Month of Fall. Now it’s really Fall! And as someone wishes to underline it, it’s raining more than ever now! All the rain we have got through the whole summer faints and flushes away! The storm is raging and reminds me of the dark time to come…

I find comfort in the books, a blanket and candle lights. Earth’s Children by Jean M. Auel. An exciting masterpiece… I wonder if there will be enough of books for the whole Winther!!

The Cure

A deep breath fills my lungs
The air so pure
releases a cure

raindrops softly on my face
silence all around
memories make the sound

wide haze before my eyes
shine from my heart
Confirmed the start

Deep dark of the night
The muse is tender
My soul surrender
 

You will always be in my heart

Your words can relieve my bleeding heart
Even though we are miles apart

How can I tell my crying soul
All the pain can have a goal?

May your lips release the tears on my cheek
May your shield be strong – for I am weak

When the needs of the spirit and mind
Are lost in mature - in a kind

Torn between dreams, sense and need
feeling high companioned or alone at the feet

so sad like rain falling on earth
so fantastic as when given birth

 even though colors are clear
and everything I hear

no doubts are in my mind
........................
but the answer I cannot find
 

A cozy time

Did I tell you the weather sucks??? Did I tell you, that fall has reach the country?? We bought a movie, some chocolate and coca cola! Under the blankets and down with the curtains! Really cozy!!

The kids are going back to school Monday. It’s been a very long vacation for them, or rather for their mother!! One week one place, the other week another place and so on! Grandma and friends, they have not been bored one second!! And I’ve missed them like hell! (And cursed all the driving around the country!!) Now they are back home, the only week at home, despite vacation since June. –So mum is satisfied!!

Colleagues are back, the phones are ringing, people walking around and voices everywhere. Lovely. I’m glad to see them all again. Guess I’m a gregarious!!

I'll be your woman

Rain, rain, rain…

Did I say the weather sucks? If my English was better, I would find a worse word!!

Still a quite time at work. Enjoyable.

I’ll be your man – James Blunt. I tell you, I’ll be your woman!! Such a beautiful voice and charming man!

The oldest of the kids is home right now. Wonderful. I enjoy watching TV with her, shopping or go for a walk. She has a lovely temper and humor. She really can get you in the mood! Her mother’s proud! The youngest is on vacation with a friend. I’m gonna pick him up this afternoon. Then the travelling is finally over for everybody!

One week left, then it’s back to school. And all my colleagues will be back again - guess that means work in a normal context again!

Weekend

Almost weekend now. The kids are coming home tomorrow, with grandma, my brother and his 3 boys. I’m really looking forward to it. Love my bro and love being an aunt! Wanna bake some cup-cakes, cookies and bread, and have a real good time with the family the whole weekend… Miss the kids and I hope we will have some quite days now, we need it. (Their mum do!)

without kids for a while

The kids are with grandma. What a quiet time at home! Isn’t it funny how your life is centered on the kids, and when they are out, you are totally on your own and suddenly have to search for things to do!! Not that it’s any problem at all, but anyway your routines are destroyed…

The weather I miserable and it makes me think of fall and winter! Makes me do some thinking about the next 6 months. Maybe evening class, Italian again? I’m just a beginner and it’s really tough! But somehow I’m both stubborn and curious and I have an inner hope to get to use it for real, one time or another. Maybe zumba? Actually I’m not the sporty type! My work is only temporary, until the end of the year, so it also depends on my situation afterwards. If I end up unemployed for a while, I can do both!

The weather also makes me think of next year’s vacation. We have to go south! Cannot manage the thought of vacation in this weather! That’s not vacation at all. I need the sun…

So if I sound melancholic… you know the reason… My pale body haven’t seen the sun for 2 weeks now…

You are my knight

I am a dreamer - you are my knight
took me away at very first sight

Brown eyes with mysterious glow
grabbed my heart and made i t flow
up in the sky with you all along
singing to me a beautiful song
warm and tender, hungry and keen
fantastic a human I've never seen

I'm the dry field of seed
waiting for you to feed

Collect me as fruits from the trees
blow me as wind in the leaves
sense me as flowers and bees

Are you a phantom of wishes in my mind
or send from above for me to find

Some kind of species

The Lazy song could be a picture of my day at the moment - well at least for 4 or 5 hours a day - since we have come back from holiday.

Wednesday  I was audience  in a big fight/show night. About 20 very well trained men of all ages, showing their skills either in fights or shows. Actually there were woman too, but somehow my eyes found the men only! I tell you, it was amazing. Nothing else than amazing. I am so impressed and overwhelmed by their self-control, discipline and brawn!  

Especially one man caught my eyes! He was not large, maybe 70 in and 35 pounds, but his arms and legs were only muscles! Not body-builder type but athletic-type! And so flexible! He had so much power I’ve never seen before. And yet so calm and self confident. 
There was something about him, somehow indefinable – an aura or charm, I don’t know. He just grab my heart and obsessed my mind! This morning it struck me! He reminds me of another man, who also made a big impression on me. A wonderful man but in another way… He is a man of words and philosophy! His talk can spellbound me! Very different from the men around me normally. Yeah – they do look alike and their dark-brown eyes… I’m lost…

Back at work

3 weeks of vacation, lovely – or not?! Of course - lovely… Sun, warm weather, totally relaxation, away from everything, enjoying a foreign country. Eat when you want, sleep when you want, bath when you want… Totally your own master, independent of all the everyday rules and regulations…

Well, at least in your mind… And more in your actions than daily, but not as much as it could be… The last step is the hardest! To be completely free, to be the one you truly are, all the way inside out… Is that even possible? Will it ever happen? The process is scary.

Now I’m back at work. Life goes on. Billions of thoughts and feelings are displaced and the show must go on – at least for now…It’s not so hard after all, you learn to focus on the little things. They are the ones that makes the difference.