God damnit, I did it again! So much for my self-control!! – or lack of, cause I haven’t got any!! (Not when it comes to you that is) Promised myself not to write to you before you have written to me. Promised myself to be patient and to give you time and space…! But… -Can I at least explain..?
I really got so caught up in memories yesterday. Read all the poems and verses you made for me and all your e-mails through the last year… They are so beautiful and wonderful. And… I’m not over with you… I haven’t had enough… I wanted to taste a little bit of it again… Wanted to open my mailbox – feel the excitement as my eyes run down the list of unread messages… Being all thrilled to open a document, looking at all the words – sentences, pages - maybe even a picture – likely a new poem you’ve wrote or a quote or saying you’ve found – just for me… I just wanted to feel it all again…my heart so high that I’m afraid it’ll pump out of my mouth, my pulse so quick that my cheeks blush and shines deep red like a sharp contrast to my blond hair and white teeth – looking unnoticed around at my colleagues – assuring myself that they don’t notice…cause no one would be doubting what I’m reading, what I’m experiencing, no one who has ever been in love, who has ever felt so curious about another person, who has ever felt compassion for another person…
I just wanted a bit of it back… So I wrote to you. Letting you know I’m still alive… Hopefully awakening a need in you to write to me… Just a “medium-short” e-mail, with what’s going on at the moment – and of course that I miss your words ( just to erase all potential doubt) but not a long miserable letter telling you how much I suffer from time to time… I don’t want you to think that I’m a crying sissy!!!
From the moment that I pressed the send button yesterday till I opened my mailbox this morning, thousands of thoughts flew through my mind and thousands of feelings entered my soul. What a journey! And as I tried to fall asleep I imagined how a weekend with you would be. Just the two of us, talking, laughing, enjoying each other’s company, going long walks in the beautiful nature, cooking wonderful meals… It could be so nice… I practically jumped on the bike this morning, riding the best I could, and opened my computer quicker than lightning, anxious to see what was in my mailbox… -Nothing. Of course, nothing… I knew it…
So now I promise myself, once again, that I will not write… I will give you time… and space… And I will not drag myself through the rollercoaster of feelings, disappointments, hops and wishes… Cause I know… I know very well, that it’s all up to me… I’m the one with the decision… -Or have been… Because maybe my chances are decreasing day by day… I’m just not ready – yet…
I just wanted to taste a little bit of it again…
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