-Well I am – back behind my desk. My summer holiday is over, 3 weeks - gone with the wind. (Do I sound like… -okay I’ll stop now!) It’s been a fine vacation. Both in wonderful southern Europe, and at home…
I just thought about the first time I blogged, a year ago now, the same situation as now, just returned from vacation. Funny, nothing has really changed… Well, it’s not quite true that nothing has changed… I feel more confident and have more faith in the future… But on the surface everything is a usual!
I started blogging because I missed the one who was on my mind 24/7. I had so many feelings and thoughts and my head was overcrowded! I had a huge need for writing…
I still do (miss him) but now I also love to let my thoughts fly and just write it all down! I have always loved to write, but haven’t had the possibility in many years. Now I have due to my work, and I cherish it very much! I love to surf around and read about many other lives around the world… It’s a kind of escape from my everyday life, to write and read… Maybe also a sort of therapy. Never the less I am much wiser about many things – myself, my life, my feelings and needs. The doubt is always by my side, that’s for sure, but I feel the strength to control it! –And I see it disappear in the horizon!
Well, enough of that! I started Monday after 3 weeks of vacation. Tough that’s for sure! But I was also quite excited to open my mailbox – convinced that I would find at least one mail from at least one special person who remembered my birthday! It didn’t turn out that way…Can you imagine my disappointment? Not only had my colleagues forgotten all about it (still have) that’s one thing! But no mails at all, not just a single short one… It hurts! I really expected that he remembered… Now I’m trying to do some damage control! Telling myself that it’s for the best. It’s for the best he doesn’t write that often anymore. It’s for the best he doesn’t give me false hopes. Actually I’m the one who is slowing it all down! I’m the one who is bounded both literally and mentally… I know… But a mail… A tiny thought… This is hard to swallow… And I hate when I get so fragile – dammit get over it! Get a hold of yourself! Don’t claim anything of others as long as you don’t even know what to claim of yourself…
So – now you got my vomit!! Sorry! Had to get it out! Let’s change the subject…
Summer vacation is over, and half the year has gone. Within the next months its decided whether I get to stay here or not. My vacancy lasts the year out but I expect to get some clarity soon. A part of me (a big part of me) wishes to stay. This is steady which appeals to my need for security. It’s also partly busy and partly calm which also suits me very fine! –But a tiny part of me, the adventurer, is longing for something new… New tasks, new challenges… But well aware that I’ll never get the freedom I have here, it’s wiser to stay… -If it’s possible!
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